I had a whole thing planned on what I was gonna write about
but then I realized it wasn’t me. I’m not gonna lie about being okay as if all
that I’m currently feeling was in the past. This will definitely not be your
typical blog. I want us to start talking about how we’re truly feeling and
stopped pretending as if we’re okay just to fit in, or not to worry our friends,
or our families, or our boyfriends/girlfriends (or complicated- yea I see you 😏😏),
our cats or dogs even (where my pet owners at?!🌚🌚). No, this is where we’re gonna express what we’re truly
feeling without being ashamed or embarrassed or like we’re being a bother. It’s
time to vent. Time to let it rip. Let’s make it a trend to just truly be and stop
feeling ashamed of our mental illnesses regardless of the stigma surrounding it!
To hell with it! I’m Kirsty and I’m mentally ill!😌😌
Imma be honest, most days I’m 110% not okay. Most days I find
it physically painful to get up out of bed and perform my normal day to day
activities as if I’m fine. Most days I question my existence. Most days I just
wish I was dead. But to be honest, I’m not sure if those are the worst days. I
don’t know if it’s just me, but I would choose those days over the other days
where I’m stuck in a manic episode, maxing euphoria, and making a bunch of
mistakes that I’ll most definitely regret later. I choose the crushing pain of emptiness
over the days when I’m so happy, too happy, and cannot sit still, cannot focus,
constantly eating, the shopping sprees, the sexual risks, the inability to
control my own actions, and the crippling anxiety if I try to fight it for a
moment. The disadvantages of both sides are so great, so overwhelming that I could
go on for hours about it to be honest, and those who have experienced it
themselves know what I’m talking about.
However, the worst part of it all isn’t not being able to be
normal or have an in-between, it is the fact that the people we care about the
most, the people we wish could just understand what we’re experiencing never
do. So, most of time you just feel really lonely, questioning the point of even
having anyone in your life; preferring to be alone and hurting those who care
about you.
It’s so frustrating because like all of you, I desperately
want someone to understand me, to be there for me, to help me feel better when I
need them the most, but as the years have gone by, I think I’ve just written it
off as a fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast. Sighhhhh😔😔. Then I wonder if I’ve truly
given up hope then why do I still try? Why is it that if they earnestly ask and
plunder that I give in and try to make them understand what I’m feeling? I’ve
readily just chalked it up to just old human nature but I’m honestly still
waiting for someone to prove me wrong, to break down my walls, to help me feel
safe, and loved. But then again, it’s all a long shot.
