When do we draw the line? At what point is the decision made that it’s not longer a matter of depression or being mentally ill but, just a matter of you feeling sorry for yourself, and choosing to act the way you act? In my perspective, the lines are super blurred, or maybe I’m overthinking it. Mental Illness goes way beyond the borders we create for it, it morphs into something more. It grows as you grow, it becomes a part of your personality so much so that it dictates to you your social norm. It gets to a point wherein you have been the way you are for so long, you carve yourself a comfort zone based on its dictated guidelines, and therein, refuse to give it up even when you are given an opportunity to get better, to do more, to be happier.
For some it could be as a result of many thing but, in regards to me, it is more a matter of worrying that I will lose myself if i change. I sometimes worry that I will lose my personality, my drive, and my life as I have become accustomed to it (I’m sure many of you can relate).
I know for a fact that this is one of the reasons why therapy has not been working for me as well as it should have these last few years. It didn’t matter how many times I changed professionals, or took a new approach, the fact still remained that I was scared. I was scared that if I got better, I’d become something that I hate; an extrovert. That person that I found incredibly annoying because they shared too much, trusted too easily, socialized with just about anyone.
I know it’s not their fault but, being this way for a number of years has caused me to forced myself into a cocoon way too small for the sake of self preservation. I’ve formed my entire character and future based on being in this precise position, and it’s the only way I know.
Like most of you, I was not always like this. I tried to be like everyone else, what society labeled as being “normal” but, after failing to integrate successfully, I gave up. I grew to love the way I was, what most people saw as an ice cold, apathetic void in human form. I spook like a deer in headlights if someone so much so as try to persuade me to open up in a way that it makes me feel compelled to, and would quickly disguise it with a sarcastic comment, or a joke. I still do. I would rather die than let someone in because the fear of being judged for who I am.
However, quite recently my perspective has shifted somewhat like continental plates; barely noticeable but really miraculous. I feel the urge to open up, to let it known how I am feeling now, and how I’ve been feeling all these years. I want to share my pain, my joy, my everything. I just want to be me, even though it is only to a selected few, and I have not been able to do so as yet because there is this mental block that I am still trying to work through but, this is progress for me. I know it will probably take a lot more time before I am where I truly want to be but I am not deterred from the uncertain roads ahead. I am determined to go out and beyond, squeeze myself through the gap of this too small cocoon until I eventually emerge a butterfly; beautiful not because of my outside appearance but as a result of the beauty inside.
I would love for all of you to take this journey with me, a snail’s pace, but I can assure you that our hard work will pay off in the end. It’s time for us to be our true selves, accomplish what we yearn to, and spread our journey with the world. It’s time that we stop letting this one thing, however powerful, control out lives!
Get inspired:
“Change your life” by Little Mix
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