All this time that I’ve been urging all of you to open up, share your experiences with others, and get help, I’ve been sitting here a hypocrite. I wanted the best for everyone else, although rejecting myself.
Opening up has always scared me, regardless of my claims to have been "working on it", I’ve honestly not been doing so. Whenever some unlucky soul gets to the core, the darkest parts of my soul where my true demons hide, I resort to shoving them so hard in the opposite direction, I hurt not only them, but also myself in the process. Not anymore! Enough is enough!
It took hurting someone I care about deeply, to realize that opening up, showing your true self and being vulnerable, does not mean that you are weak. In fact, it’s the total opposite! It makes you the strongest of us all. The one who was brave enough to proudly showcase their scars.
We often perceive scars as ugly reminders of a bad experience from our past, even though we couldn’t have the person we are today without them. We tend to loathe these scars, angry about what happened to us, wondering why it had to be us, hating our existence, and wishing things were different which has blinded us from the true reality, they’ve helped us to grow. Scars are not meant to be dwelled upon, but are there to effect change. We need to be stronger than our past.
We may lose hope sometimes as change doesn’t happen right away, even so, begin your journey, you’ll be surprised how far you get. I myself hadn’t discerned how much I’ve grown until a few weeks ago. Just know that, even though the pace may not be to your liking, strength is gained with time.
It’s normal to envy those who are beyond us, I know I have. It bums you out, makes you feel as though you’re not not progressing, you need to keep in mind however, that this does not mean that you’re doing less. In fact, you’re progressing in ways they haven’t, you’re working on becoming a better you. It takes an awful lot of time to work on ourselves before we can move on and be who we need to be. It is hard for us to perform as others do normally, and you need not be ashamed of that.
Like me, you’ve been fighting so many battles, battles between yourselves, the dark hole of depression, pesky anxiety attacks, the difference between truth and the deception of your mind; the list could go on forever as there is no end to the extent of mental illnesses. Nevertheless, we don’t have to dwell there forever. We can make our own change, and it begins with us sharing our scars for others to see, so that we don’t have to feel alone.
I’m Kirsty. I’ve been through my fair share. I am confused. I’m torn between the truth, and what is just a deception of my insecurities. I struggle with social anxiety, often preferring to isolate myself. I converse with myself more than is seen as the norm. I sometimes lose a grip on reality to the point of near insanity. I struggle with depression, low self esteem, and low self confidence. I fear being abandoned by those I love the most, and my past constantly haunts me. I’ve been molested, and sexually abused never saying because I’m too scared to own up to it, and risk confrontation.
I know you also have your demons so, if you decide to join me in acknowledging, and growing above them it would give me the strength to continue. Let’s help each other ride the wave instead of letting it drown us individually. Join me in becoming a better version of yourself.
Instagram: theawkward_introvert
Twitter: AwkwrdIntrovrt
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