How you know when you’re making the right decision

How do you know you’re making the right decision as a mentally ill person? At what point is it safe to say you’re not just running with your depression, but is instead, doing what’s best for you? 

Decisions, decisions, decisions! The bane of our existence! Why? Because it’s hard to tell how you’re actually feeling when you’re not the one in charge of  what you think, say, or do at any particular interval; you can’t just “go with the flow” as in both your manic, and depressive episodes it is always to one extreme or the next, and it seems you never have a middle ground to work with. 

How is it that people who are constantly overthinking cannot seem to make a conclusive decision? I always laugh at the irony of it.

I know there is a lot of anxiety whenever you’re trying to make a decision for you, due to the constant need to either feel “normal” or to please those around you because you don’t want to be a burden, and you think they know what's best for you.  “NORMAL” IS FICTION USED TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE MENTALLY ILL.  ONLY YOU CAN KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!

In some ways they may be right, however, you're are not the same as those people who do not have a mental illness, and you need to stop trying to be. You need to stop forcing ourselves to do what they do, and just start taking better care of our mental health. You may be slower to finish the race but we are getting there, and to the best of our abilities. This is something you should be proud of because it’s not easy functioning as a member of society when you have to be constantly fighting with yourself to function. 

Don’t compare yourselves to others and don’t make your decisions based off someone else’s, do what’s best for you because even though we are all a community of people with somehow similar but different diagnoses (just a little joke that just popped into my head lol), we all are still unique individuals, beautiful in our own ways, full of our own potentials, the sky is not even the limits of us. They discriminate against us only because they will never be able to understand us, and are sacred of what we can do. Let’s Normalize Mental Illness!

Battle Your Demons

 It has been a while since I have posted and this was as a result of me taking time off to really work on myself. However, I felt the need to spontaneously post today as I learnt something very valuable earlier, and i felt the need to share it with you as well. Today, my eyes have been opened further. 

    All this time that I’ve been urging all of you to open up, share your experiences with others, and get help, I’ve been sitting here a hypocrite. I wanted the best for everyone else, although rejecting myself.

     Opening up has always scared me, regardless of my claims to have been "working on it", I’ve honestly not been doing so. Whenever some unlucky soul gets to the core, the darkest parts of my soul where my true demons hide, I resort to shoving them so hard in the opposite direction, I hurt not only them, but also myself in the process. Not anymore! Enough is enough! 

    It took hurting someone I care about deeply, to realize that opening up, showing your true self and being vulnerable, does not mean that you are weak. In fact, it’s the total opposite! It makes you the strongest of us all. The one who was brave enough to proudly showcase their scars. 

    We often perceive scars as ugly reminders of a bad experience from our past, even though we couldn’t have the person we are today without them. We tend to loathe these scars, angry about what happened to us, wondering why it had to be us, hating our existence, and wishing things were different which has blinded us from the true reality, they’ve helped us to grow. Scars are not meant to be dwelled upon, but are there to effect change. We need to be stronger than our past.

    We may lose hope sometimes as change doesn’t happen right away, even so, begin your journey, you’ll be surprised how far you get. I myself hadn’t discerned how much I’ve grown until a few weeks ago. Just know that, even though the pace may not be to your liking, strength is gained with time. 

It’s normal to envy those who are beyond us, I know I have. It bums you out, makes you feel as though you’re not not progressing, you need to keep in mind however, that this does not mean that you’re doing less. In fact, you’re progressing in ways they haven’t, you’re working on becoming a better you. It takes an awful lot of time to work on ourselves before we can move on and be who we need to be. It is hard for us to perform as others do normally, and you need not be ashamed of that. 

Like me, you’ve been fighting so many battles, battles between yourselves, the dark hole of depression, pesky anxiety attacks, the difference between truth and the deception of your mind; the list could go on forever as there is no end to the extent of mental illnesses. Nevertheless, we don’t have to dwell there forever. We can make our own change, and it begins with us sharing our scars for others to see, so that we don’t have to feel alone.

This time, I’m deciding to lead by example. You can leave your comments below, contact me personally via the website or on any of my social media platforms that I will leave below (or join this beautiful help group on Amino: http://aminoapps.com/invite/JSRVPHC41D)

I’m Kirsty. I’ve been through my fair share. I am confused. I’m torn between the truth, and what is just a deception of my insecurities. I struggle with social anxiety, often preferring to isolate myself. I converse with myself more than is seen as the norm. I sometimes lose a grip on reality to the point of near insanity. I struggle with depression, low self esteem, and low self confidence. I fear being abandoned by those I love the most, and my past constantly haunts me. I’ve been molested, and sexually abused never saying because I’m too scared to own up to it, and risk confrontation. 

I know you also have your demons so, if you decide to join me in acknowledging, and growing above them it would give me the strength to continue. Let’s help each other ride the wave instead of letting it drown us individually. Join me in becoming                                                                 a better version of yourself.

Instagram: theawkward_introvert

Twitter: AwkwrdIntrovrt

It’s Time To Step Outside Your Comfort Zone!

 

When do we draw the line? At what point is the decision made that it’s not longer a matter of depression or being mentally ill but, just a matter of you feeling sorry for yourself, and choosing to act the way you act? In my perspective, the lines are super blurred, or maybe I’m overthinking it. Mental Illness goes way beyond the borders we create for it, it morphs into something more. It grows as you grow, it becomes a part of your personality so much so that it dictates to you your social norm. It gets to a point wherein you have been the way you are for so long, you carve yourself a comfort zone based on its dictated guidelines, and therein, refuse to give it up even when you are given an opportunity to get better, to do more, to be happier. 

For some it could be as a result of many thing but, in regards to me, it is more a matter of worrying that I will lose myself if i change. I sometimes worry that I will lose my personality, my drive, and my life as I have become accustomed to it (I’m sure many of you can relate).

I know for a fact that this is one of the reasons why therapy has not been working for me as well as it should have these last few years. It didn’t matter how many times I changed professionals, or took a new approach, the fact still remained that I was scared. I was scared that if I got better, I’d become something that I hate; an extrovert. That person that I found incredibly annoying because they shared too much, trusted too easily, socialized with just about anyone. 

I know it’s not their fault but, being this way for a number of years has caused me to forced myself into a cocoon way too small for the sake of self preservation. I’ve formed my entire character and future based on being in this precise position, and it’s the only way I know. 

Like most of you, I was not always like this. I tried to be like everyone else, what society labeled as being “normal” but, after failing to integrate successfully, I gave up. I grew to love the way I was, what most people saw as an ice cold, apathetic void in human form. I spook like a deer in headlights if someone so much so as try to persuade me to open up in a way that it makes me feel compelled to, and would quickly disguise it with a sarcastic comment, or a joke. I still do. I would rather die than let someone in because the fear of being judged for who I am.

However, quite recently my perspective has shifted somewhat like continental plates; barely noticeable but really miraculous. I feel the urge to open up, to let it known how I am feeling now, and how I’ve been feeling all these years. I want to share my pain, my joy, my everything. I just want to be me, even though it is only to a selected few, and I have not been able to do so as yet because there is this mental block that I am still trying to work through but, this is progress for me. I know it will probably take a lot more time before I am where I truly want to be but I am not deterred from the uncertain roads ahead. I am determined to go out and beyond, squeeze myself through the gap of this too small cocoon until I eventually emerge a butterfly; beautiful not because of my outside appearance but as a result of the beauty inside.

I would love for all of you to take this journey with me, a snail’s pace, but I can assure you that our hard work will pay off in the end. It’s time for us to be our true selves, accomplish what we yearn to, and spread our journey with the world. It’s time that we stop letting this one thing, however powerful, control out lives! 

Get inspired:

“Change your life” by Little Mix

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Instagram: theawkward_introvert (you can DM me here)

Twitter: AwkwrdIntrovrt

The Battle Against Stigma

 

Having a mental illness, whether it be Depression, Anxiety Disorder, BPD, ADHD, PTSD etc., is a rollercoaster. Between the mood swings, the pain, the attacks, the self loathing, identity crisis, or whatever it may be, you always have enough on your plate to keep you occupied; sometimes making it near impossible to complete your daily tasks. Even worse so because no one understands all the error that you’ve put in to turn up to work, or classes, or maybe something simple as getting out of bed in the mornings, therefore, you’re constantly being scolded, chastised or shouted at for not doing something when you’re just doing the best you can. You may try to explain this to them but only a few who haven’t experienced it firsthand truly understands. 

Where I live, Jamaica, mental illnesses are, for the most part, trivialized. There’s a tie between using it in a derogatory manner or as a joke. Here, it’s difficult  get the help you need with there being very few resources, and no one to talk to. Here, mental illness is a taboo, with the only form acknowledged generally as being a disorder is schizophrenia. It may be mentioned a couple times during it’s yearly celebration but that is about it. No accommodations made, no leniency. It’s rather painful to witness and is even more so painful to experience. You’re made fun of because they don’t understand how you feel, because you’re different, labeling you as being crazy or weird. 

I could give anecdote after anecdote of me being trying prevent, or being half way through a mental breakdown, and having a coworker, family member or friend insensitively make fun of me for it. At this point, I don’t believe it’s not that they’re not aware, I believe it’s that they’re too scared to accept it. But why should we live in fear of speaking out or seeking because they don’t know how to handle us being different?

We have to start taking a stance for ourselves. We can’t constantly live in fear of being ostracized. This is the reason  I decided to start a blog, to say what needs to be said, to stand for what needs to be stood for, and I will not stop until change is initiated. We deserve change, we deserve help. Let’s Normalize Mental Illness!

Let’s Normalize Mental Illness

I had a whole thing planned on what I was gonna write about
but then I realized it wasn’t me. I’m not gonna lie about being okay as if all
that I’m currently feeling was in the past. This will definitely not be your
typical blog. I want us to start talking about how we’re truly feeling and
stopped pretending as if we’re okay just to fit in, or not to worry our friends,
or our families, or our boyfriends/girlfriends (or complicated- yea I see you 😏😏),
our cats or dogs even (where my pet owners at?!🌚🌚). No, this is where we’re gonna express what we’re truly
feeling without being ashamed or embarrassed or like we’re being a bother. It’s
time to vent. Time to let it rip. Let’s make it a trend to just truly be and stop
feeling ashamed of our mental illnesses regardless of the stigma surrounding it!
To hell with it! I’m Kirsty and I’m mentally ill!😌😌

Imma be honest, most days I’m 110% not okay. Most days I find
it physically painful to get up out of bed and perform my normal day to day
activities as if I’m fine. Most days I question my existence. Most days I just
wish I was dead. But to be honest, I’m not sure if those are the worst days. I
don’t know if it’s just me, but I would choose those days over the other days
where I’m stuck in a manic episode, maxing euphoria, and making a bunch of
mistakes that I’ll most definitely regret later. I choose the crushing pain of emptiness
over the days when I’m so happy, too happy, and cannot sit still, cannot focus,
constantly eating, the shopping sprees, the sexual risks, the inability to
control my own actions, and the crippling anxiety if I try to fight it for a
moment. The disadvantages of both sides are so great, so overwhelming that I could
go on for hours about it to be honest, and those who have experienced it
themselves know what I’m talking about.

However, the worst part of it all isn’t not being able to be
normal or have an in-between, it is the fact that the people we care about the
most, the people we wish could just understand what we’re experiencing never
do. So, most of time you just feel really lonely, questioning the point of even
having anyone in your life; preferring to be alone and hurting those who care
about you.

It’s so frustrating because like all of you, I desperately
want someone to understand me, to be there for me, to help me feel better when I
need them the most, but as the years have gone by, I think I’ve just written it
off as a fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast. Sighhhhh😔😔. Then I wonder if I’ve truly
given up hope then why do I still try? Why is it that if they earnestly ask and
plunder that I give in and try to make them understand what I’m feeling? I’ve
readily just chalked it up to just old human nature but I’m honestly still
waiting for someone to prove me wrong, to break down my walls, to help me feel
safe, and loved. But then again, it’s all a long shot.

Is life out to get you??🤔🤔

 

Let’s talk about the frustration of life seeming like it’s out to get you. The song "In the end" by Linkin’ Park is on constant replay in my head. I do feel like I try so hard and I get somewhere yknow but then in the end it never really actually matters😅😅, because it’s like I’m being taunted. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve started my journey to become mentally stable, to better myself and life just cuts me off! Now I’m wondering, what’s the point of even trying anymore?! I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong, but it never seems to work out (although sometimes it’s because I’m a huge coward😅😅).

I’ve gone through therapy with 3 different professionals, I’ve been on medication, I’ve isolated myself from everyone: no relationships, no friendships, no negativity, I’ve tried religion but somehow I always end up right back where I started; suicide. For some reason there’s ALWAYS this numbing, overwhelming pain inside me that I just can’t seem to shake no matter how hard I try, and that I would rather be dead than continue to experience.

I’ve never understood the concept of working without an end goal in mind, and nothing to achieve so, I went to bed last night with the soul purpose of giving up, but I got up this morning with a new purpose. I don’t know how long it will last but as NF rightfully said, there are others just like us and as long as we bond together and help each other out, we all can make it and become our better selves regardless of what life throws at us, regardless of whatever mental illnesses we may have. Let’s not only normalize mental illness, let’s overcome it.

Listen to NF- "just like you":

https://youtu.be/A_y_6a5DG4I